A blog post by Pepetoe, Elena Overfield

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called needy. Too emotional. Too intense. Too much.

Apparently I always “need a boyfriend.” Apparently I become “obsessed.” Apparently I self-destruct every relationship I’m in.

I’ve heard these things enough times that, for a while, I started believing them. So, I tried to become less. I told myself to stop asking. Stop mentioning it. Stop bringing it up. Stop being emotional. Stop expecting so much. Be cooler. Be more laid back. Be the “chill girl.”

Spoiler alert: She doesn’t exist.

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Somewhere Along The Way, I Started Apologising For Having Needs

When someone repeatedly tells you you’re needy, something strange happens. You stop asking yourself whether your needs are reasonable. You start asking yourself whether you’re allowed to have needs at all. Every text you don’t send becomes a victory. Every feeling you swallow becomes proof you’re getting “better.” Every disappointment gets brushed under the carpet because you don’t want to be that girlfriend: the difficult one, the emotional one, the needy one.

Until one day you wake up and realise… you’ve become an expert at abandoning yourself and your needs and boundaries.

Let’s Actually Look At What I Was Asking For

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting after this recent breakup (yes, hello, your girl is single AGAIN). Not because I wanted to blame someone else, but because I genuinely wanted to know if I was asking for too much. So I made a list:

• I wanted communication.
• I wanted consistency.
• I wanted someone to tell me if plans had changed.
• I wanted to feel like they actually wanted to see me.
• I wanted effort to be reciprocated.
• I wanted reassurance when things felt uncertain.

Read that list again. None of those things are extravagant. I wasn’t asking for flowers every Friday (not that I’ve received many flowers in my life anyways). I wasn’t asking for expensive gifts. I wasn’t asking for somebody to spend every waking minute with me. I was asking for the foundations of a healthy relationship.

Somewhere along the way we’ve started treating basic emotional availability like it’s some luxury upgrade. It isn’t.

It’s the bare fucking minimum.

“You’re Too Much.”

I’ve realised something. People rarely tell you you’re “too much.” They tell you you’re too much for them. There’s a huge difference.

Someone who struggles with communication might think regular communication is excessive. Someone who avoids emotional conversations might think emotional honesty is dramatic. Someone who can’t meet your needs will often convince you that your needs are the problem.

It’s a much easier conversation than admitting they’re unable (or unwilling) to meet them. And, if you’re already somebody who questions your own worth, you’ll believe them.

I did.

The Cost Of Shrinking Yourself

I became quieter. I second-guessed every message. I’d stare at my phone wondering if I was allowed to ask where somebody was. I’d debate whether I should mention that something had upset me. I’d convince myself I was overreacting before I’d even opened my mouth.

Because I didn’t want to be “needy.”

Here’s what nobody tells you: Suppressing your needs doesn’t make them disappear, it just makes you lonelier. You don’t suddenly become low maintenance. You become silently disappointed. Again, here, there’s a huge difference.

This Isn’t About Being High Maintenance

There’s another phrase I hate. “You have high expectations.”

Good. Why wouldn’t I? When did expecting respect become unrealistic? When did expecting communication become clingy? When did wanting consistency become demanding?

The older I get, the more I realise expectations aren’t the enemy. Unspoken expectations are. Relationships aren’t built on mind-reading. They’re built on conversations. If somebody can’t meet a need you’ve communicated openly and respectfully, that’s okay. They’re allowed. But then they’re probably not your person. What isn’t okay is making somebody feel guilty for having the need in the first place.

I Think My Eating Disorder Has Something To Do With This

I’ve written before about how my eating disorder made me believe I had to earn my worth. Recovery has taught me so much, but I’ve started noticing that the same voice still exists. It just speaks a different language now.

Instead of telling me to become smaller physically… it tells me to become smaller emotionally. Don’t ask, don’t need, don’t cry, don’t take up space, don’t inconvenience anyone. Basically, “be easier to love.”

And honestly? I’m tired. I’m tired of believing I have to make myself smaller to make other people comfortable.

Maybe I Haven’t Been Self-Destructing

People love saying I self-destruct in relationships. Maybe sometimes I have. I’m human. I’ve made mistakes. But what I’ve started to wonder is whether that’s actually what’s been happening.

What if I wasn’t trying to destroy the relationship? What if I was desperately trying to save it? There’s a difference. I feel like that phrase is being used a lot today in this post.

When something feels off, I notice. When communication changes, I notice. When effort disappears, I notice. When I feel dismissed, I notice.

Maybe that’s my anxiety. Maybe it’s my attachment. Maybe it’s my past. Although, Noticing a problem isn’t the same as creating one. Sometimes the relationship is quietly falling apart long before anyone admits it. Sometimes the person who speaks up isn’t the problem. They’re just the first person brave enough to acknowledge what’s already there.

You Deserve More Than The Bare Minimum

Here’s the irony. I’ve spent years being told I ask for too much, and after everything I’ve reflected on recently… I don’t actually think I’ve been asking for enough. I’ve been fighting for the bare minimum as though it was some extravagant request. Here’s that list again:

• Communication.
• Consistency.
• Effort.
• Reassurance.
• Kindness.
• Presence.

These aren’t bonuses. They’re the foundations. Ifsomeone makes you feel guilty for asking for them, don’t immediately assume you’re too needy. Ask yourself a different question: Why does asking for the bare minimum feel like asking for the world?

To Anyone Who’s Been Called “Too Much”

You are NOT too much. Maybe you’ve simply been standing in rooms where people had very little to give. Maybe you’ve mistaken emotional unavailability for emotional maturity. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to convince yourself that wanting consistency is clingy. It isn’t.

Your needs are allowed to exist. Your expectations are allowed to exist. Your feelings are allowed to exist. You don’t have to apologise for wanting to feel loved. You don’t have to earn basic respect. And you certainly don’t have to shrink yourself just to make somebody else feel more comfortable. The right people won’t love you despite your needs. They’ll love you enough to want to understand them.

People who can’t meet your needs often convince you that your needs are the problem.

xox Pepetoe