A blog post by Elena Overfield | Formerly Pepetoe
This time last year, my world imploded. I lost people, I hurt people, and ultimately I completely gave up on myself. It was a dark time, and for months I didn’t think I was coming out of that hole. But I did. What happened last year happened – I can’t change that, – but what I’ve learnt since is that it’s not other people to forgive and forget. It’s up to me to forgive myself and move on from the past.
Over the last year, I’ve spoken a lot about making mistakes and hurting people, and I’ll stop the whole spiel of that right now. What’s done is done, and I’ve done a lot of time thinking retrospectively, but that doesn’t (and never will) change anything.
When I look back over the last twelve months, I realise that there are a lot of things I also am grateful for, despite the, what-seemed-like, never-ending black hole surrounding me. There are so many things that I am happy to have experienced, been apart of, people I’ve met. Sure, I’ve lost some people and some things along the way, but what I know now is that those people were never supposed to be part of this journey.
What I’ve also realised recently is that maybe it really is the “Year of the Horse”. I was speaking to my family about this last week, claiming that the “Horse” hasn’t really gone in my favour. If you think back to my posts in February with my writing about the “Year of the Snake” doing a bloody big number on me last year(!), and how excited I was for the Horse this New Year, you’ll understand what I am saying. But for a long time, I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck in this perpetual loop of never being enough, and constantly being under fire by people and events happening in my life.
Looking back, I do think now that this truly has been the “Year of the Horse”. I have accomplished so much, dealt with a lot of change, and I even want to say that I do feel more grounded – and more confident. Confidence is a huge part of what the “Horse” brings, and it’s very apt here. I feel like I’ve been able to deal with things slightly better than I have in the past, and that when change has come, I now choose whether or not I will spiral. Before, that wasn’t a choice per se, that was just who I was: a huge overthinker. Now? I still overthink, I still spiral, but it’s less often.
I have felt more sure of myself, in that when dealt with setting boundaries, and when people cross them, I stand up for myself, and focus on what I need, rather than focusing on what other people need. To be honest, I’ve stood up for myself this year, more than I have ever before in my lifetime! And there’s a huge power in that – realising that I am able to steer this confidence and self-assured nature in a way that serves me, for the better.
Going back to the point on positive things happening this year – there has been a lot. Although I’ve lost people, I’ve gained some tremendous friends. From joining not one, but two, hockey teams over the last twelve months, to reuniting with a cousin whom I now call my best friend, to finding new friends at work and in places I wouldn’t have guessed. Of course, those people who left… it was hard, but what I have learnt is that I, too, have a choice on whether those people can stay in my life or not. We can all guess what I decided!
I’ve learnt that you can choose happiness over sadness. Maybe not in that exact moment, but retroactively. Yes, the last twelve months has dealt me more shit that I ever expected (and even now it still seems more things have been thrown my way). It’s not about getting to a place where those things never happen, like putting up a crucifix and praying the bad things won’t come. It’s about getting to a place where you can deal with those things, then put them aside to focus on what’s good right now. And to me, that’s the people I have around me.
All these good things that I experienced over the last twelve months coincidentally arrived at the same time – last year when all this other shit was happening. So, maybe the snake did do me a bit of justice towards the end there. Life has a funny way of doing this; like the universe knows what bad time you’re having, and, despite the shit it keeps throwing at you, it also offers you some goodness – like my hockey teams, my cousin, the people I have grown closer too. I cannot be more grateful, and, in a way, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this.
I genuinely feel lighter now that I have removed the “bad eggs” from my life – things and people that no longer serve me. I am someone who holds onto things, that’s unbelieveably true. So, it prides me that I have learnt to simply let go, start afresh, and cherish those people who truly stand by you and believe in you. Thank you to you guys here reading this too, without you there would be no ‘Pepetoe’! All of this would not have been possible without you.
There are so many good things that it’s hard to write them all done, or explain how truly happy I am to share this with you. Here’s to a new chapter – of expecting good things to happen, not bad things. As I think it’s time I get over that one!
And one big thank you to all those again who have walked into my life at the very best time. You know who you are, and without you, I would not be me. Why not, I’ll name the ones that I really do think have guided me along this way in particular: mum, dad, Jess, Cath, Jamie, Oli, Gruff, Peter, Caro, Amelia, Izzy and Dan. You guys in particular have made these last twelve months that one little bit easier. Corny, maybe, but I actually don’t care! From family, to my workplace, to hockey friends, to best friends, to old friends and new people in my life. I love you <3
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